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5 Ways to Gain Weight, Increase Fat and Feel Terrible

For the better part of the last three decades, everyone has been touting weight loss as the most important part of fitness. Burning fat, improving health and other goals have been placed on a pedestal as goals everyone should pursue.


I want to suggest something else.

Instead of bigger, leaner, stronger, I want to give you 5 ways you can become heavier, fatter, worser (HFW)


1) Eat fast. If you want to get in the optimal amount of calories, you're going to need to speed things up. Your body takes around 20-minutes to register that you're satisfied. If you eat too slowly, you'll feel content to stop before you feel like you want to throw-up. Speed is your friend here. Try to finish off a plate in under 5-minutes. Don't worry about chewing your food fully - there's stomach acid for that.


2) Stick to mostly processed foods. Processed foods become an essential macronutrient on the HFW Diet. While foods like fruits and vegetables provide fiber, water and other nutrients, nutrients are only going to get in the way of your body craving more food. The more processed a food is the easier time your body will have digesting it, opening up precious stomach space for more food.


3) Avoid working out. Working out burns calories and builds muscles. Sure, muscles are cool, but do you know what's cooler? Not muscles! Muscles act as a storage unit for glucose (aka: carbs). By building muscle, you're providing an alternative storage space instead of your fat cells. This is a big no-no.


4) Try to sleep as little as possible. While you sleep, you are unable to consume calories - less calories = less fat gain. Sleeping also helps balance out hormones which can lead to better appetite regulation. If you're going to get as HFW as possible, you'll have to be willing to sacrifice some Zs. Try using bluelight from your devices to really mess up your circadian rhythms.


5) Eat with distractions. Speaking of screens, if you can keep one on while you eat, you'll be far less likely to pay attention to the amount your eating, allowing you to eat more. The less attention you pay to your food, the more you'll be able to eat.


And there you have it. 5 simple tips to get heavier, fatter and worser. Follow those each day and you'll be well on your way to your goals.


However, if getting heavier, fatter, worser is not your goal, do the exact opposite of the above points:


1) Slow down your eating. Give your body a chance to recognize it's satisfied.

2) Eat mostly unprocessed (or minimally processed foods).

3) Try to get stronger 2-5 days per week and walk as much as possible.

4) Try to get 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night.

5) Avoid distractions while eating. When possible, engage in good conversation and enjoy fellowship with your food.

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